Celebrity Infertility Secrets?

This blog post comes to us from the kind folks over at  Global IVF

Does She or Doesn’t She? (Only her fertility specialist know for sure)


When we look at celebrities like Elton John, Ricky Martin, or Neill Patrick Harris who have had children over the years it’s a no- brainer that they used an egg donor to create their families. But when we hear about female celebrities around the globe who have had children in their 40’s, we wonder – “Did she or didn’t she?” Society perceives that if you look young, your eggs are young.  However, the reality is when you are in your mid-forties and early fifties, your eggs aren’t going to work even though your body may very well carry a pregnancy to term and you may look great doing so. So why all the secrecy surrounding celebrities who may or may not have used egg donation or IVF treatment in general.  Is it ego?  Is it shame?  Is it because infertility treatment equates to being older which equates to being less marketable as far as Hollywood, Bollywood or the rest of the entertainment world is concerned?

Is IVF and egg donation the global entertainment world’s dirty little secret?  Now, we’re not saying that any of the following women used IVF or egg donor to have their children… in fact, most have not admitted reproductive help of any kind (although some did admit to at least IVF help – particularly the ones who used gestational carriers).  But take a look at the following list and draw your own conclusions:

•  Geena Davis, an American actress, had her twins at 48.
•  Jane Seymour, an English actress, had her twins at age 44.
• Nicole Kidman, an Australian actress, was 43 when she had her daughter with the help of a gestational surrogate.
• Cherie Blair, wife of England’s former Prime Minister gave birth at age 45.
• Susan Sarandon, an American actress, had a baby at age 46.
• Somali-born model Iman, married to rocker David Bowie, gave birth at 44.
• Helen Fielding, an English novelist/screenwriter best known for her character Bridget Jones, gave birth at 48.
• Arlene Phillips, an English choreographer, gave birth at age 47.
• Holly Hunter, an American actress, had her twins at 47.
• Cheryl Tiegs, a global icon in the world of modeling, had twins at age 52.
• Marcia Gay Harden, an American actress, was age 45 when she gave birth to her twins.
• Helena Bonham Carter, an English actress, had her baby at age 42.
• Joan Lunden, an American television personality, went on to have two sets of twins at age 52 and 54 with the help of a gestational surrogate.
• Elizabeth Edwards, the former wife of American presidential hopeful John Edwards, gave birth to her daughter at age 48 and her son at age 50.
• Kelly Preston, an American actress and wife of John Travolta,  gave birth to a son at age 47
• Halle Berry, an American actress, is currently pregnant and 46.
• Mira Sorvino, an American actress, gave birth to her last child when she was 44.
• Mariah Carey, musical superstar, gave birth to twins at age 42.
• Beverly D’Angelo, an American actress, was 49 when her twins were born.
• Sarah Jessica Parker, an American actress, had twins with the help of a gestational surrogate at age 44.
• Nancy Grace, an American television personality, was 47 when she brought her twins into the world.
• Farah Khan, a well known-prestigious Indian film director, gave birth to triplets at age 43.

Farah is one who admitted using IVF, she was quoted as saying: “When the choice is to either go childless or IVF, there is no room for doubts. I was 43 when I had my kids and my biological clock had stopped ticking long time ago.” However, she left the egg donation part out.  So did she?  Or didn’t she? Do you see a trend here? IVF equals shame for many women and that in itself is incredibly unfortunate. Pregnancy for most women is a rite of passage.  It’s something that we typically don’t think about until the time comes when we want to be pregnant and then it’s a really big deal.  It becomes an even bigger deal when you discover that you might be one of the many individuals in the world who might not ever conceive or give birth in your own lifetime – or if you happen to be one of the lucky ones who does it’s going to be after seeking a lot of help and spending a lot of money.
Relates story: Expiration Date Concerning Childbearing

When our bodies aren’t cooperating and doing something that we believed our whole lives we could or would do, it’s simply devastating.
The whole topic of infertility, IVF, egg donation – it’s just so socially taboo. It’s no wonder that regardless of who you are – public figure, celebrity, or the woman next door, it’s not the most favorite topic to talk about at a cocktail or dinner party. We don’t view infertility like we do breast cancer.  Infertility is still in that shameful place that breast cancer was many years ago until public women like Betty Ford brought it out into the forefront and made those of us afflicted with breast cancer into survivors and heroes – as well we should be. Until we change the mindset about infertility and embrace it like we do breast cancer, it’s always going to be that thing that no one wants to talk about. Now, celebrities may be different than the rest of us.  They may have more money.  They might be prettier, more privileged but guess what – they aren’t more fertile.  That’s a myth that has been perpetuated over the years because no one is talking about it. This means that regardless of how famous you might be, the most common cause of infertility in a woman who is in her middle forties is her age. And for a myriad of reasons, many women – not just celebrities wait too long to begin their family building – and after a certain point there’s not a thing you can do to make more eggs because our eggs have an expiration date. The reality is regardless of where you are in the world, AMH and FSH levels don’t lie.  By the time a woman is in her mid-forties, her fertility rate and percentage of success to conceive naturally is just about zero. Okay, okay we hear you – not every pregnant women who’s in her forties has undergone any sort of fertility.  However, be mindful they are the exception to the rule – like one in a million – for the rest of us in the world our reality is very different. Dr. Ric Porter, Director of IVF Australia was quoted as saying: “A pregnant actress in her forties gets a page in a magazine, but if those same magazines printed all the stories of all the women who couldn’t get pregnant, the magazines would be the size of the yellow pages. These celebrity ‘miracle pregnancies’ give women ridiculous expectations. I’m yet to see a patient who had viable eggs in her mid-forties. Even with IVF, we’ve never had a pregnancy after age 45.” It is what reproductive endocrinologists all over the world face every day on the front lines – explaining to women who are in their mid-forties the realities about their fertility, and giving them the sad news that for them to become a mother is to give up her genetics and seek the help of an egg donor.

Should celebrities make public service announcements about infertility much like celebrities make public service announcements about every other cause they are personally affected by?
Granted no woman is obliged nor should she ever be forced to share with the world how she conceived, regardless of whether she’s famous or not.  Infertility is incredibly hard, private and personal.  However, all of this miracle pregnancy mumbo jumbo that we see in all of the magazines, the internet, and television by celebrities has got to stop.  We aren’t doing ourselves any favors by drinking the fertility Kool-Aid and believing everything we read.  This is about protecting your own fertility by being informed and aware of the facts.  It’s also about protecting your self-esteem. Back in 2000 Larry King asked Cheryl Tiegs if she used an egg donor to conceive her twins and her reply was: “No, it’s my eggs and my husband’s sperm so they’re our babies. I’ve been taking care of myself for so long, I know my reproductive organs are much younger than I am.” This left me saying aloud “Really Cheryl, you’re 52, really?!” What’s even more interesting about the whole Cheryl Tiegs thing is when she and her husband divorced, Cheryl lost custody of her newborn twins to her husband. I know it made me stop and say “Hmm.” I wonder what the rest of the world thought. The message that’s pumped into the media is that for women like you and me who are looking into the fishbowl of “celebrityville” it can be incredibly misleading – it equates to false hope and being complacent about your reproductive health.
So why aren’t more famous women speaking out and being honest about their fertility or infertility issues?
Lauri Berger de Brito of the Agency for Surrogacy Solutions in Los Angeles says, “The presumption is that if you look young, your eggs are young.”  For men it’s like the old adage:  “Men are like fine wine they get better with age”.  Men can continue to manufacture sperm until they die – take a look at Tony Randall he was in his mid-80’s when he became a father.  However, in Hollywood, Bollywood, or wherever you are in the world, getting older does not go hand in hand with fertility – women are not perceived as getting better with age especially when it comes to their eggs.
But wouldn’t it be lovely if just one celebrity would come forward, be vulnerable and say: “I am a mother via egg donation and I am proud.”

A Look At PVED In 2012

Did you know we are the largest private community online?

Did you know that PVED assisted over 9,000 intended parents and parents in 2012 with clinic and agency referrals, mental health referrals, legal referrals and other industry professional referrals?

Did you know we answered over 18,000 pieces of email and messages in our private forum in 2012?

Did you know we answered over 1,000 telephone calls in 2012?

Did you know PVED assisted with over 30 embryo donation matches?

Did you know that PVED sent out over 350 quilts and 350 books to new parents?

Did you know that PVED is launching a brand new interactive website with three new information packed sections for our community members?

Did you know that PVED is still a free educational and support service accessible to its members 24/7 365 days out of the year?

We need your help -- 5, 10, 25, 50, or more whatever you feel you can give -- this money helps us do things like:

Keep the lights on, the internet on, the website supported, books, quilts, postage, literature, PVED meetups,  and helps us meet our payroll.

Every little bit helps -- all of you could give just ten dollars that would translate into a whole lot of money!

Give today -- we love helping you all!!

www.pved.org click on donate at the end of the page.  Or write a check and mail to:

PVED
Box 597
Scappoose, OR 97056

Seeking Intended Parents for Docu-Series

A groundbreaking documentary series is currently being produced to present a compassionate and honest portrayal of the unique challenges and joys of creating a family through egg donation!

We are seeking families of all types -- traditional couples and LGBT families, as well as single parents -- to participate in sharing the ups and downs and ins and outs of the egg donation process from start to finish.

Participating intended parents will also be offered:
* Substantially reduced medical costs (up to 75%)
* Waived egg donation agency fees, and
* Discounted pharmaceuticals

Certain procedures and donor fees will still need to be paid, so only serious intended parents in pursuit of a real opportunity must apply.

Please send contact information, photos and/or video and your story (including specific problems and needs regarding this process) to: info@aleraenterprises.com, Subject title: ED Docu-Series

Come Meet Dr. Bankowski in San Francisco !!

Hey kids - This just off the presses!

Dr. Brandon Bankowski, a board certified reproductive endocrinologist at Oregon
Reprouctive Medicine, will be in San Francisco, CA meeting with prospective patients on October 7th and 8th, 2012.

Private and complimentary consultations are being scheduled now.

Sunday, October 7, 2 p.m. - 6 p.m.
Monday, October 8, 9 a.m - 4:30 p.m.
Sir Francis Drake Hotel
Private Conference Room
450 Powell st.
San Francisco, CA 94102

These appointments are filled on a first-come-first-served basis.

Bring your questions and discuss your options with one of the leading physicians working in the field of infertility.

Request an appointment by email or phone.

Jonathan Kipp, schedulerjkipp@portlandivf.net
503-243-4938

Let’s talk about privacy: Does your egg donor have a right to privacy?

Here is a very typical and common scenario that causes me to grit my teeth every time I hear about it:

The IP (usually an intended mother) contracts with an egg donor agency and selects an egg donor.  Program fees have been paid, psych evaluations have been conducted, medical testing is in the works, and the ball is clearly rolling, especially if this is a repeat donor.  The egg donor while maybe not wanting to meet a set of intended parents is comfortable with an email or even a telephone call.  The profile might say where this egg donor is currently attending school, or where she lives, or where she’s worked.  It might even give her first name and last initial. 

That information right there is enough for most Internet savvy people to begin an Internet search on their donor.   

What happens next is the intended parent (we will go with the intended mother) will begin her search.  She will begin perhaps with the college last attended.  If she discovers a first and last name she might Google the egg donor.  Finally she hits gold and sees the Facebook page, or maybe even a Twitter account.  And the stalking begins.

Did I just say stalking?

Yes, I just said stalking, because I think that’s what it is.

The intended mother while perusing the egg donors Facebook account may or may not have access to see the egg donor’s wall, or photos.  Many times the egg donor doesn’t have her privacy settings implemented upon her Facebook and her photos and wall comments are open for the public to see. So the intended mother now see’s these photos, and reads these wall comments and doesn’t like what she sees.  She may discover that this egg donor has a Twitter account, or has some other web presence and learn more things about her egg donor that she doesn’t like.

The idea of the fantasy egg donor in her head has gone right out the window.  The intended mother then calls and tells the agency “I don’t want this egg donor any longer, she’s undesirable…”

So this begs the question –“Does your egg donor have a right to privacy?”

Do you as an intended parent have the right (regardless of the compensation you are paying for your egg donor) do Google search on your egg donor?  Stalk her Facebook pages, Twitter account, or any other social networking site on the Internet for her? 

Without her permission?  Especially if the egg donor has stated she doesn’t want a completely open egg donor cycle?

Or is everything fair in donor selection because after all there is no privacy on the Internet?

How would you feel as an intended parent if your donor somehow found out your name and Googled you?  Searched you out on social network sites and right before you began your egg donor cycle said to the agency "You know what?  I learned this about my intended parents and they are undesirable.  I don't want them to have my genetics.  So I am going to cancel the cycle."

I know what my thoughts are – however, I am asking you what are yours?

Donors’ Attitudes about their Potential Participation in Egg Donation Programs

By: Hilary Marshak, MSW, LCSW

Over the past fifteen years I have performed hundreds of psychological evaluations of both potential egg donors and potential recipients on behalf of fertility clinics. Working with this population has been a tremendous gift to me. I have been privileged to share in their ideas and attitudes in addition to the facts of their lives. It has often struck me that if the intended parents were privy to the donor assessment meetings, what they would hear would likely be extremely comforting.

Many of the intended parents with whom I have worked, in both my counseling and evaluation roles, feel some anxiety about the possibility that donors will wish to be involved in their children’s lives, or try to contact them at some time in the future. This is a natural fear, arising out of concern for the child and his or her possible confusion as well as out of their own anxiety that the child will somehow not feel that the birth mother is its “real” mother and will therefore be susceptible to abandoning his or her birth family in favor of the egg donor. As a counselor, I have observed that this fear seems to diminish throughout the pregnancy; once bonding has occurred, it becomes a non-issue. This is especially true in the case of an anonymous donor, where an ongoing relationship is not any part of the arrangement..

What I have heard from the vast majority of both anonymous and known potential egg donors I have interviewed indicates the opposite attitude. Here are some quotes from donors I have interviewed, in response to the question, “How do you feel about donating your eggs?”

“It’s like donating an organ. It’s not a baby.”

“I don’t have any attachment to my eggs.”

“It’s just tissue to me.”

“I wouldn’t have any interest in meeting the person who got my kidney – why should I want to know about my eggs?”

“I don’t want kids – at least not now – why shouldn’t someone else use my eggs?”

“My eggs just go to waste every month. I feel better using them for something good.”

To the question, “Why are you donating eggs?”, these, and variations thereof, are typical of donor responses.

“I have an aunt (friend, cousin, sister) who was infertile and I saw how hard it was.”

“If I need it someday, I would want someone to help me.”

“Motherhood is a God-given right.”

“This is a beautiful way to help someone.”

“People who go through all of this to have a baby must really want one. They’ll probably be really good parents.”

My personal favorite was the earnest and guileless young woman who blurted out, after I discussed the issue of compensation with her, “You mean you get money for this?!”

 Author’s note: This essay is based on my notes of conversations with and observation of the populations discussed. I would be glad to know of any articles addressing this subject. Please send comments and references to me at hmarshak@MyDonor.net.

 Hilary Marshak, MSW, LCSW, earned her Masters degree from New York University and is a member of the Mental Health Practice Group of ASRM. In addition to her private psychotherapy practice which specializes in infertility, she is the founder of MyDonor.net, an egg donor matching agency licensed by the NYS Department of Health.

Surrogacy Shopping After 40

This article was originally featured at Flower Power Mom's site and it was so good I had to re-run it here.  And a little about "Flower Power Mom" Angel La Liberte.  

Against the odds and well into her forties, Angel La Liberte, conceived and gave birth to two healthy children (in 2002 and 2005) without the aid of medical fertility treatments.  Unwittingly, she was soon drawn into the rising international cause célèbre in the baby-making stakes—the fast-growing population of ‘mid-life moms’.


While Angel herself isn't a mom via egg donation, she sure celebrates, empowers and supports every woman regardless of age but especially 40 and beyond when it comes to motherhood!  Which is why PVED LOVES HER!

Angel launched a national awareness campaign—Celebrating Motherhood After 40—to help relieve stigma faced by “older” mothers.

The campaign message was widely featured in US media—Angel participated in a live national debate on CNN, interviewed on radio programs, including WINS 1010 in NYC, and was quoted key newspapers such as the Minnesota Times and Baltimore Sun.

She now writes a monthly column for Bay Area Parent—part of the www.parenthood.com organization—on parenting after 40.

This article features PVED board advisor Sharon LaMothe, who works tirelessly in the field of Third Party Reproduction  with more than a decade working in the infertility community, and serving as an advisor to organizations like Parents Via Egg Donation (PVED) and OBGYN.net Women’s Health Forum.

Motherhood through surrogacy is not ‘all smoke and mirrors’—an impression that sensational media coverage of celebrity diva-moms like Nicole Kidman or Sarah Jessica Parker might convey.


According to WA state surrogacy consultant, Sharon LaMothe—a gestational carrier twice over who gave birth a second time at 41—“surrogacy is not out of reach” for the average gal next door.

But, for women over 40, there may be an added ‘caveat emptor’ when choosing a fertility clinic.
LaMothe—with more than a decade working in the infertility community, and serving as an advisor to organizations like Parents Via Egg Donation (PVED) and OBGYN.net Women’s Health Forum—says “a lot can go wrong” with surrogacy agreements.

Women thinking about becoming a parent through a surrogate should “ask a lot of questions” and not “run into it blindly.”

“The old adage ‘you don’t know what you don’t know’ is very true in the case of surrogacy arrangements,” says LaMothe, who says the majority of her female clients are over 40.

First, ‘commercial surrogacy’ is not legal in many states across the USA (including Washington) and the “intended parent” must have a medical reason for using a surrogate in states where it is.

“Age can be a big factor, but so is cancer, hysterectomy, and diseases like diabetes, and single women or same-sex couples.”

LaMothe, whose work involves educating and assisting intended parents and their surrogates, knows the “do’s and don’ts” on their path to parenthood.

While “the list is a mile long,” there are some key issues not to play around with.

“Do not download sample surrogacy contracts from the internet,” she warns.

LaMothe urges that both the intended parent and the surrogate are better off hiring an attorney experienced in reproductive law.

“Make sure that all parties attend at least one session with a mental health service provider who is experienced in surrogacy evaluations,” she continues.

And to avoid the risk of things getting ugly over money, “use an escrow account for disbursements.”

When shopping for a fertility clinic, LaMothe advises her clients to look carefully at the clinic’s “take home baby” statistics, compared to their rate of successful pregnancies.

While conceiving is great; a failed pregnancy is a disappointment to everyone.

And this is where fertility clinic selection can get sticky for a woman of 40 or over—as in a recent FPM blog article—who wishes to conceive with her own eggs.

“Once you hit that magic 4-Oh, your eggs are not as viable as those of a younger woman,” says LaMothe.
“Some fertility clinics may discourage women over 40 from using their own eggs because they are concerned about their ‘take-home baby’ statistics,” she admits.

In these cases, says LaMothe, a woman of 40+ may have her “opportunity to .choose” her own eggs “taken away.”

There are other clinics who are more inclined to work women over 40 and it’s important to find a provider who is a good fit.

Once the surrogate is chosen, the pregnancy and birth can only take place in a state that allows surrogacy arrangements.
“Once the surrogate mother has passed stringent exams including a mental health evaluation,” says LaMothe, “she and the intended parents sign a legal agreement.”

The fertility clinic then places the surrogate and the intended mother or egg donor on a schedule that includes medicals, blood tests and ultrasounds.

The embryo transfer to the surrogate usually takes place about 3 to 5 days after the egg retrieval.
Two weeks after the transfer, the surrogate will have her blood drawn to see if she’s pregnant. Most contracts allow for up to 3 IVF attempts.

If an ultrasound taken 4-6 weeks after embryo transfer shows a baby’s heartbeat, the pregnancy is “confirmed.”

Approximately 10-12 weeks after the transfer, the surrogate mother is then released to the care of her OBGYN or midwife.

Of course, there are the common concerns of the expectant mother developing an attachment to the unborn baby.

LaMothe, who was a gestational carrier (meaning no biological relation to the child) twice says that she “did not have the same feelings” she had while carrying her own two children.

“Women who want to be surrogates,” she continues, “already have a family of their own.”

“There is compensation involved, but giving the gift of life via surrogacy is a very personal and life-changing experience.”

“Not everyone can be a surrogate,” she adds.

Given the virtual obstacle course of decision making, LaMothe’s advice is practical.

“Deciphering all of the surrogacy programs, laws and relationship concerns can be overwhelming.”

“Do your homework and, if you become overwhelmed, hire a consultant who can take away the stress of figuring out how the whole thing works.”

Notes for this blog:
Angel La Liberte is the founder of the website Flower Power Mom—The Truth About Motherhood After 40 (www.flowerpowermom.com), a regular blog featuring news, commentary, real mom stories and expert advice about motherhood after 40.
Sharon LaMothe’s websites, blogs and services:
Infertility Answers, Inc.
http://infertilityanswers.org/
LaMothe Services, LLC
http://lamotheservices.com/
LaMothe Surrogacy Consulting
http://lamothesurrogacyconsulting.com
Sharon LaMothe’s 3 blogs:
The Business of A.R.T.
http://theagencyangle.blogspot.com
Surrogacy 101~Learn more about Third Party Family Building
http://surrogacy101.blogspot.com
http://infertilityanswers.typepad.com/surrogacy

Surrogacy and Embryo, Sperm, & Egg Donation: What Were You Thinking?

If you don't know Theresa Erickson you should.  Theresa is probably hands down one of the best attorney's I have met in my lifetime.  Aside from being brilliant in her field Theresa has compassion for those struggling through the all so frustrating and often painful journey through the mines fields of infertility.

When I first learned that Theresa was writing a book about Third Party Reproduction I was thrilled -- "It's about time"  I thought.  After reading this book I can say with utmost confidence Theresa has hit a grand slam right out of the ballpark.

What I love about this book is it's truly a starting point. I love how this book is much like a road map for recipients parents who are wondering how the heck all of "this" works.  Because in truth all of "this" can be incredibly overwhelming.

Theresa talks about the top ten myths of third-party family building, as well as the history of how ART came to be, how the process begins, (as in what do I first coach?), a comprehensive section on ethical and legal issues as well as questions to ask when you begin your journey to building your family, help in selecting your physician and attorney, as well as other fertility options you have.

It makes me proud to know Theresa, to work with her, and to read her much anticipated book. 

Two thumbs up from Parents Via Egg Donation.

Anonymous Egg Donation, Semi Known Egg Donation, Known Egg Donation

I have been reading with great interest about those of who are meeting their egg donors. And I applaud them for that because that’s the best choice for them and their family. After much thought and reflection my feelings about all of this are pretty simple – (and please realize this is just coming from the perspective of a mother who already has child via this process and who is clearly deeply established and rooted as a mother. I am not a therapist, psychologist, or a psychiatrist, nor do I pretend to ever be one – this is from a lay perspective.) Clearly when we embark upon egg donation as a way to create or grow our families, it’s not something we just decided upon on the spur of the moment. We as women have either known for a very long time that we will never have children without help, or a diagnosis was thrust upon us as we were trying to have a child – regardless of how we learned that egg donation was the path that we needed to take to become parents it took some time to sink and become a reality. The feelings that we feel are individual. I felt initially shame like I did something to cause it. Was it my lifestyle as a 20 something ( I partied a lot ), was it my secret vendetta against my ex-boyfriends mother who I hated, had I pissed God off, exposed myself to chemicals unknowingly, the list goes on and on. When I learned about egg donation I really thought it was something science fiction like out of star trek – I thought it was weird and wonderful and scary. However, along with all of this came grief.

The grief that each of us experiences is incredibly individual. Some women grieve long and hard, while others don’t seem to grieve much at all. Grief comes in spurts at the weirdest time for some, and sadly for others even after their children are born "it’s constantly in the forefront as a reminder of how their body failed them" (direct quote from a mom).

My point is that this process is individual for each and every family. There are lots of dynamics involved, lots of feelings involved, and lots of stuff involved. There’s no right way or wrong way to feel about any of it. If someone had said to me back in 1999 you will meet your egg donor first, have a meal with her, and you two will get to know one another -- I would have said “Oh Hell No”. I was scared, and insecure. I was angry. Angry my body didn’t work like it was supposed to, scared of the process, scared that I was spending 25k back then and it wouldn’t work, scared that I wouldn’t be a good mother, insecure that my husband would like the egg donor more than me (let’s face it her genetics were helping create a baby, and I didn’t understand back then how much my contribution would be), and I didn’t want the egg donors face to take up my head space. And so when my clinic said we do anonymous egg donation I didn’t question it. And any communication I had with my egg donor through my cycle was monitored by the clinic.

When you embark upon an egg donation cycle regardless of whether it’s anonymous donation, or semi anonymous donation, or known egg donation those choices have to be based on what is good for you and your family. I don’t want anyone to feel like they have harmed their children, or wrecked their children because they chose anonymous egg donation. We clearly know that’s not the case. Those women who have had children via egg donation 15-20 years ago who didn’t have a choice and had to go through an anonymous egg donation cycle have perfectly fine, healthy, well adjusted and amazing kids who are now perfectly fine, healthy, well adjusted adults who are amazing members of society. It all goes back to the parenting – not how your kid got here.

For some women like me we didn’t have a choice when we went through our egg donation cycle. We saw a baby picture that I had to beg for, I had to trust what I read on the egg donor profile and I picked my RE’s brain incessantly about what she was like as I trusted him and his choices for me. In the end I had this incredible little boy that was meant to come to me. Would I change things now if I had the opportunity? Yes, but really only selfishly for me. (I petitioned my clinic for contact and they denied me and I understand why) Anyhow, I would like to wrap my arms around her and hug the stuffing out of her and thank her from the bottom of my heart. Meeting her or not meeting her doesn’t change my mothering capabilities or how I interact with my son. I am my child’s mother through and through not our egg donor. Our egg donor will always have a very special place in my heart and who I have a boatload of gratitude for but her job ended the day of retrieval. She didn’t sign on to have a relationship with Nick or be an extended member of our family. And my kid knows his story. He’s not walking around pining for his egg donor, nor does he feel ripped off because he doesn’t know who she is.

Other families choose anonymous egg donation purposely and that’s okay they shouldn't be judged because it was the right thing for them to do for their family. And there are those who choose semi known egg donation, or known donation where you meet your egg donor – and that’s fantastic if that’s clearly what you are comfortable with and what’s good for you and your family.

Regardless of where you are in regards to anonymous, semi known or known egg donation you have to be with a clinic or an agency that honors your wishes. You can’t be going to a clinic or agency that doesn’t offer or support open egg donation if that’s really what you want. And at the end of the day after your child is born PVED states that there is no question of whether or not the children will be "yours". It is strongly encouraged to give your child(ren ) what all children deserve--knowledge of who they are and where they came from, from a genetic perspective. It’s their right to know their origins. As one of the many DE mom’s on our list who is also a damn fine therapist said – “Your conversations with your children will be informed by your openness and willingness to embrace your child's curiosity, as well as your availability to assist them in finding whatever information they may want if they want it.”

What PVED Does In A Month...

I get asked a lot "What exactly do you do? You are always so busy, either on the phone, answering emails or talking to clinics or agencies.

Here's what I did in the month of October:

We reached out and answered about 350 telephone calls regarding clinics, agencies, protocols, donor related questions, about the egg donation process.

We followed 19 pregnant women, called performing well checks, and we welcomed 5 babies into the fold!

We read and responded to over 1000 forum messages, and are you ready for this:

We responded to over 3800 individual emails for the month from Mom's and Dad's all over the globe who were needing support, information, and help regarding egg donation!

My day typically begins between five and six in the morning when the East Coast calls begin to roll in, I bring my email up to see what's filtered in from across the pond overnight, check our forum, put out any fires, and continue on with my day planning, or completing various PVED projects.

I may speak to a clinic or an agency in the morning, and tucked in between clinic conversations are emails, calls from parents, and I may throw together dinner in the crock pot or throw a load of laundry in the washer (I do work from home after all), or attend a telephone conference.

Afternoons are almost always reserved for meetings and conversations with parents, - as that's when folks usually either make time on their lunch to call, or the East Coast is getting home from work, in the privacy of their own homes and may need help with or encouragement with egg donor selection.

I take a few hours off in the early evening to spend time with my family catching up, running errands, and having dinner --and oh yes, putting away the laundry from earlier in my day. Once the family is settled for the night I begin to return the many emails and forum messages from the day, sometimes I even make a few telephone calls across the pond to our friends in Europe who are just getting up as my day is ending.

And then I go to bed and get up the next day and do it all again. And yes, I love what I am doing, I can't imagine doing anything else -- some months are busier than others -- October was a fairly typical month.

Bloggers and Message Board Addicts – Blog and Comment with Care

Do you have a blog? Many of us do. In fact, if you don’t have a blog you are in the minority. There are all kinds of blogs – personal blogs, work blogs, product blogs, movie blogs, retail blogs, medical blogs, diet blogs, celebrity blogs, political blogs, product review blogs, the list is endless! Everywhere you turn there’s some blog spouting an opinion about something.

Next are message boards. They too come in all shapes and sizes offering information, opinion, support, education, encouragement, amusement, entertainment and often time’s criticism.

We live in a time where technology is an amazing tool. It can also make or break a business, a medical practice, or a person’s reputation. So much so that law suits against bloggers have risen 200+% in the past year.

I think because people think they are anonymous they become extraordinarily brave. There is this veil (or so they think) of anonymity that separates them from those they communicate with, it’s called your computer monitor. I have witnessed some of the nicest people become downright ugly when they sit down at their computer, some even morph into “internet bullies” and troll message boards and blogs only to comment about anything that is disagreeable, contradictory, or inflammatory, just because they can. What’s even more interesting is learning that there have been clinic and egg donor agency employees who pose as patients and complain (in this instance) about infertility clinics, physicians, egg donor agencies, lawyers, or therapists.

Mind blowing for sure. I ask myself – “Who would do that and more importantly why?”

There are several highly travelled infertility blogs and infertility message boards (that shall remain nameless as I don’t want to be sued) that come to mind where I have seen some pretty inflammatory stuff up close and personal, and folks it ain’t pretty. These sights bash clinics, egg donor agencies, physicians, egg donors, and in some instances name staff at various clinics and comment on their personal character. And the sad and scary part is that stuff that’s written on the internet stays there forever – longer than bad credit on your credit report. Just Google yourself sometime and see what turns up. – I dare you!

Because we live in a society where technology is readily available and the internet is at our fingertips 24/7 people flock for information. Google is their weapon of choice and folks can Google anything. Anything at all. The other really bizarre thing that I have noticed is that the internet is the dumping ground for bad stories. When I was pregnant with my son I experienced a subchorionic hematoma which is basically a blood clot from bleeding that occurs behind the placenta. I was already stressed out as I had been trying to have a child for many years, finally succeed to get pregnant, and then bleed. As I began to search the internet for this very foreign term all I read on many message boards was doom and gloom stories. I got myself worked up into a snit to the point that my Perinatologist actually got a little tough with me and ordered me off the internet as I was driving both me and his practice crazy with my many calls about how I just knew I would lose this pregnancy.

I heeded my doctors orders and went on to have an amazingly healthy baby even though I had him miscarried and buried many times over in my head because of my fear.

After his birth I went back and researched my complication and again found many many many horror stories and not many success stories. I then began to wonder if I was really lucky or was there more to this. And so I did what I normally do dug and dug until I found answers and the answers I found were startling. I discovered that 75% of the stories we read on the internet like our national news broadcasts are bad. And only 25% are positive and good.

Why?

Because the internet is an emotional dumping ground for individuals to offload their stress by posting their story on a public or private message board and then disappear. It’s free, it won’t cost you 150.00 (the price of a therapy session) to bang out our horror story, vent about whatever you need to vent, click the publish button and post.
All from the convenience of your home – anonymously. (or so we think).

So the next time you are angry at your fertility clinic or egg donor agency and want the world to know you have been wronged, and they need to make it right or everyone’s going to know how horrible they really are -- remember a few tips that will keep you safe and out of lawsuit’s grip:

If it’s true it isn’t libel. Report just the facts. Don’t add a thing.

Remember if you are stating your opinion you have to present it as YOUR opinion and it also can’t be libelous. I can’t encourage you enough to be honest when stating your opinion – rant and rave all you won’t but wow don’t be a troll and make up stuff just to increase your blog views. Make sure your opinion reads truthful

We live in a lawsuit happy society. We may think we have free speech but do we really? There are people out there who think they can sue for anything and in the USA sadly for the most part I think that is true.

You can’t make up facts. And people don’t get sued for making up facts.

Sorry Charlene, you've filled your quota…

The industry’s talked about it. Patients are talking about it. Wendy Kramer took the bull by the horns and created a donor – sibling registry because at the time no public outlet existed for mutual consent contact between people born from anonymous sperm donation or egg donation. And so Wendy started her website which became an organization to help make those connections.

As I was having an exchange with another recipient parent she made the remark that there needs to be some something more, something that protects the egg donor and recipient alike. – Something that is simple that can receive information about a potential egg donor and either give the egg donor the green light to donate or spit out: “Sorry Charlene, you’ve filled your quota”

It’s more than bothersome to read about egg donors who lie to their care providers about the number of previous donations. Actually, it’s downright scary. Medical professionals really don’t know how many times an egg donor should take stim meds, and undergo retrievals. There’s no way of telling how many times an egg donor has cycled unless she’s honest. It’s not like a clinic can leave a little time and date stamp on an egg donors ovaries showing they’d been there.

Currently, there are no standards set by the ASRM to track donor participation in programs that would ensure compliance. Essentially, each clinic sets its own standards. Limits to the number of times a donor may donate are related more to the concerns regarding the repetitive use of fertility drugs, hyperstimulation, anesthesia, and oocyte aspiration. Presently, most programs limit donors to six cycles in an effort to safeguard them from procedural risks – how they selected the number “6” is beyond me.

And then of course there is the issue of “Inadvertent Consanguinity” (referring to the property of being from the same kinship as another person – in other worlds being half siblings and not knowing it)
ASRM states that Inadvertent Consanguinity resulting from oocyte donation could occur if: [1] a given donor has donated to two or more families and [2] the offspring were unaware of their specific genetic heritage. (This is why folks it’s imperative to be honest and tell your child early and often the truth about their origins) Previous guidelines on therapeutic donor insemination and oocyte donation, published by the American Society for Reproductive Medicine, have advised an arbitrary limit of no more than 25 pregnancies per sperm or oocyte donor, in a population of 800,000, in order to minimize risks of consanguinity. This suggestion may require modification if the population using donor gametes represents an isolated subgroup or the specimens are distributed over a wide geographic area.

Honestly, I am not as concerned about “IC” than I am about the egg donor undergoing repetitive stim cycles and retrievals. I can remember in the 80’s when “herpes” made its debut and it was the gift that kept on giving. We all thought it was a wretched and horrible thing to receive from an intimate partner. And then HIV reared its ugly head and that’s when we all literally started playing for keeps. Instead of couples running to the doctor for that all mighty blood test that was required to rule out Syphilis (which prior to the emergence of HIV, was the most deadly venereal disease for humanity), they were running to their doctors and clinics before marriage and having an HIV test to make sure they were HIV negative before taking an intimate relationship to the next level. Now days many of us who are smart will have already been upfront with our kids and told them about their origins – and we will also be as inquisitive about who are children are dating, and you can be rest assured if my son’s girlfriend mentions that she’s a product of egg donation then a pretty straight forward DNA test will be done to rule out any sort of “consanguinity”.

But don’t you think life would be so much easier for the entire “industry” if there was an egg donor registry that housed information about our egg donors? And clearly not for the sake of seeking them out or hunting them down, or sending “our” children to their door steps to say “Oh hi, remember 18 years ago when you were an egg donor and you helped my parents...” But for things like health issues that can crop up from both sides. If an egg donor develops a medical issue in her life, that information can be added to a registry, and the registry can contact recipient parents. Or if a child created by an egg donor develops a medical issue, that information can be added to a registry and that information can be shared with any of the half siblings this egg donor may have helped create. And it can be done so anonymously. And last but not least, there is something to be said to have a way to track how many egg donor cycles an egg donor truly undergoes. The idea that I might be recipient number 12 and could possibly contribute to an egg donors health issues 20 years down the road makes my hair stand on end, let alone how many children could possibly be born through one specific egg donor is concerning.

I am not sure of the answer – I just know we have a problem and it needs to be addressed. My only concern is that the powers that be are going to drag their feet like the government does when testing drugs that save lives. It’s going to be like getting Elephants to mate, it’s done at high levels, It's accomplished with A great deal of roaring and scream. And it takes years to produce and results.

Oy.

For an industry that continues to do little to police itself, this is yet another black eye…

You could say I am irritated after reading The Spin Doctor, Andrew Vorzimer’s piece about Angels In Waiting Surrogacy Center out of Illinois who’s involved in a lawsuit with an infertile couple claims an unregistered surrogacy center was in cahoots with a woman who used an alias to donate her eggs more than a dozen times, in violation of industry guidelines. The couple says that when they demanded their money back from Angels in Waiting Surrogacy Center, its owner, Dianna Watschke, closed the company down and reopened under another name.

Like Andrew, I am sadly not surprised in the least bit. This is a sad state of affairs for those of us working in the Third Party Reproductive arena. History is repeating itself as this isn’t the first time an agency has closed its doors after being accused of violating industry guidelines, or even more serious allegations like fraud, or theft. And it’s also not the first time an agency has reopened with a different name or again like Andrew so aptly stated “a new look so as to mislead clients about their identity or attempt to escape liability.” To me that’s pre-meditated fraud, and isn’t that against the law?

Economic times are really tough right now – and while we as recipient parents have always been at the mercy of our egg donors to be honest regarding their egg donor profiles, there’s now a disturbing development of egg donors who are lying about where they have cycled, when they have cycled and how many times they have cycled.

Why?

Because ASRM states that egg donors are to donate and undergo egg retrieval six (6) times. That’s it. It’s for the safety of the egg donor and to limit the number of genetically related children that may meet as adults.

Do all egg donor agencies follow this guideline? Most yes, all? No. Should they? Absolutely. All egg donor agencies should be following ASRM’s guidelines regarding egg donation to the letter. That means that if they come across an egg donor who they might even suspect has donated more than 6 times they need to remove her from their program. That also means more work for clinics, as they are going to have to be even more vigilant in regards to vetting egg donors who cycle through their own programs.

Now I will say it can be tough for an agency to identify a donor who is withholding important health information about her previous egg donor cycles and retrievals. And while it’s the agencies responsibility to obtain all medical records regarding egg donation cycles from its prospective egg donors they can only gather that information from the physicians and clinics the egg donor lists and identifies. At the end of the day if an egg donor knowingly commits fraud there’s nothing an agency can do because we don’t have any sort of national registry or database.

What’s chapping my hide regarding this case is that the couple who’s suing the agency owner is stating that the agency owner has ALL the medical records of the egg donor who shows this egg donor has donated TWELVE (count em) TWELVE previous times. TWELVE FOLKS. Six more than what the guidelines allow.

This industry is the first to bitterly complain about not wanting the government to step in and regulate them. But come on folks – you are not policing yourselves. Infertility patients have enough to deal with emotionally, physically, and monetarily. What we don’t need is to put our trust into an agency that isn’t following the guidelines or worse yet knowingly deceiving the consumer – you.

My Egg Donor Is A Hooker? I Don't Think So...

When I read Professor Naomi Pfeffer’s article titled “Paying poor foreign women for eggs is 'a kind of prostitution’ “I blinked and then I blinked again. And then I took a deep breath and shook my head and muttered a few well chosen words under my breath and read this article once again.

Needless to say this chick really chaps my hide.

Egg donation is a form of exploitation? Oh please.

I understand in the IF community why and how it’s important to educate our patients and clients. Sometimes information is misconstrued or not clear and it’s our job as nurses, doctors, lawyers, agency owners, health educators, advocates and infertility information specialists to make sure the information that’s being shared and placed in the infertility community is correct, up-to-date, and timely.

HOWEVER, it’s really irritating to me to have to educate an infertility expert and so Ms. Pfeffer I will give it my best shot:

First I want to define the word prostitute so there is no question what the word means.
pros·ti·tute (prst-tt, -tyt)
n.
1. One who solicits and accepts payment for sex acts.
2. One who sells one's abilities, talent, or name for an unworthy purpose.

My first question would be “Do you know what egg donation is?” It’s collecting eggs from a woman, who then gives those eggs to a recipient couple or recipient parent who then has those eggs fertilized in a LABORATORY, and then the embryos that are developed and grown in that laboratory are then placed back into the waiting uterus of recipient mother.

Nowhere during this process does sex or any sort of sexual conduct enter into the picture. In fact, all egg donors are given strict orders to ABSTAIN from sex of any kind for the duration of the egg donation cycle.

I just wanted to clear the sex part up, so we are all on the same page about that.

The second part of the definition of prostitution is selling one’s abilities, talent, or name for an unworthy purpose.
Are you suggesting Ms. Pfeffer that egg donation in an unworthy purpose? Or that helping an infertile couple have the chance of becoming parents is unworthy?

Our egg donors come in all shapes, sizes, from varying backgrounds. We are grateful, damn grateful for each and every one of them.

Do they receive compensation? Absolutely. And why shouldn't they? Egg donation is not a fun process. It’s a highly regimented, choreographed exact process. Multiple medications are required to be administered through injections. The egg donor is required to agree to dietary changes (no coffee, no alcohol), as well as social changes, (no sex whatsoever from the beginning to the end of the cycle), and then the egg donor is required to undergo a surgical procedure where n ultrasound probe will be inserted into the vagina. A thin needle attached to the probe will be inserted into each follicle. Using suction, the egg and liquid inside each follicle are removed. Egg donors are given a light anesthesia during the retrieval, which lasts about 30 minutes. And then they recover which takes about a month.

Let me tell you – it’s not a picnic.

I understand that over in the UK right now there’s a huge debate in regards to egg donation because they ban compensation to egg donors and the majority of UK’s egg donors don’t want to go through the process without being compensated. And really what’s wrong with that?

Ms. Pfeffer says we recipient mothers are exploiting our egg donors. Yes, we recipient mothers who have waded through the jungle of infertility and gone through the depths of hell all in the effort to become a mother are now accused of exploiting our egg donors because we compensate them for their time, discomfort, and inconvenience.

Well gosh, thanks a lot. Thanks for shaming infertile couples all over the world who want to have children who are choosing to travel to do so. Thanks for shaming us and intimating what we are doing is bad, wrong, and that we should be embarrassed because what we are doing is morally not okay. And last but not least thank you for suggesting we be embarrassed when we talk to our children about egg donation – as we tell them we exploited the woman who helped us have them?

First of all, I am not my son’s social mother Ms. Pfeffer, I am my son’s ONLY mother but I will save that for another blog post, and secondly, I don’t know about your home, but in our home egg donation is a beautiful thing. It’s not something to be ashamed about or hidden.

When reading Ms. Pfeffer’s article I continued to shake my head. As a recipient mother via egg donation, and an infertile woman – when can I say “Enough is enough?”

Isn’t having over 300 menstrual periods in my lifetime and no baby a high enough price to pay? Isn’t nine miscarriages over the course of my reproductive life a high enough price to pay? Isn’t over 100 negative pregnancy tests, and thousands and thousands of dollars spent a high enough price to pay?

Haven’t I fairly paid my dues Ms. Pfeffer? Haven’t we been through enough and now you are accusing me of exploiting my egg donor because I compensated her?

Please.

I will say in the United States, Spain, Czech Republic, and the Ukraine egg donor are treated respectfully, carefully, and responsibly. After all, they are human beings, and are patients, just like you and I. They undergo medical testing, they are educated about what is going to happen to their bodies, and they make the final decision whether to donate eggs or not. They are not rounding up egg donors on the street and forcing them to undergo egg donation. It’s not how it’s done.
My other question is – What’s wrong with compensating an egg donor who agrees to donate her eggs? She’s a consenting adult. I notice you say nothing about sperm donors. Are they exploited as well? Why is it time and time again women who are focused on and picked on? Are you saying we are not smart enough to make the right decisions for ourselves and our bodies?

Here in the United States the ASRM (American Society for Reproductive Medicine) has strict guidelines in regards to donor compensation. Why? Because we do understand about the concern of exploitation, and that’s why these guidelines have been in place and implemented. We have an overall concern for the health and welfare of our egg donors who generously give a part of them to those of us who want nothing more than to become mothers.

I think before you make wide sweeping blanket statements Ms. Pfeffer you should really stop and think about the impact of your words to not only recipient parents but to egg donors as well.

What I think perhaps what you could have or should have said is that you have a concern about egg donors throughout the world. And your concern is that you aren’t sure (because you aren’t) if egg donors in each country throughout the world are treated with the same respect, and care as they are in the United Kingdom or the United States – and you could have listed the concerns you have and wonder about process and practices throughout the world regarding egg donation.

But you didn’t. You have lumped us all together and attempted to shame us in the process.

As I sit here thinking fond thoughts about my amazing egg donor while looking at a photo of my smiling boy who I gave birth to in 2000 through egg donation I don’t think for two seconds she felt exploited. I think she felt excited and hopeful for us. She was rooting for us the entire way as much as we were rooting for ourselves. The letters we exchanged between the two of us were filled with love and hope. They weren’t filled with angst and doubt.

And I for one felt really good about helping her put a dent in her student loan. It’s the least I could have done – as we all know there is no price on the value of our children. No amount of money could have adequately compensated her for the gift she has given me.