EGG DONOR’S ARE NOT COMING FOR YOUR CHILDREN- REALLY!

My phone has been busy this week and my email box is receiving a steady stream of email asking me if I had read “An Egg Donors Tale” featured in the New York Times.  “What did I think?  Should I be worried?  Do most a lot of egg donors feel this way years later?  My child doesn’t know, she I sit him or her down tonight and tell them? Have I done a bad thing by not telling them? I don’t know what to do – what should I do Marna?”

First of all – Mom’s and Dad’s let’s take a breath and breathe.  I have news for you – Egg donors are not coming for your children – Really!

The article in the New York Times by Melanie Thernstrom titled “Meet The Twiblings” has caused quite a stir in both the 3^rd party arena as well as the general population.  It seems that the choices made by Melanie and her husband Michael are viewed as weird, odd, freaky, and self-serving. 

Personally, I don’t find them any of the above.  I just find them different.  This was how this couple chose to create their family.  And they shouldn’t be judged by that at all.

The article that caused even more of a stir was the follow up article titled an “Egg Donors Tale” written by an egg donor who was brave enough to share what she was feeling inside years later about her experience and vocalizing that while the egg donor cycle was a known cycle she didn’t agree with the recipient couple not to tell their children that this egg donor was indeed their egg donor.  The egg donor also shared in her article:

“Fast-forward a decade. I have two children myself now, and while I think about the twins often, I have lost touch with the family. Partly this is because of the demands and exhaustion of parenting my own kids, but it is also because of my increasing ambivalence about the nature of my relationship to two people — one of whom looks remarkably like me — who came from my body and are making their way in this world. I have no doubt that their mother has been a loving, kind parent, and I obviously would never want to disrupt that relationship. However, I increasingly feel that the twins, who are now teenagers, have a right to know about their creation story — if not now, then when they are adults.

Why, you may rightfully ask? The obvious and easy answer is knowledge of certain medical conditions and their management that have occurred in recent years. More difficult to justify, but deeply felt, it seems that we should have the opportunity to develop a kind of mother-child relationship. On a side note, I believe this is precisely the situation Thernstrom fears, even if on a subconscious level (see her generous AND self-serving offer to pay for her donor to store fertilized eggs so she can be sure to have her own children someday). In technical terms, we are talking about new forms of kinship here (biological parent who does not give birth to or participate in daily parenting of child), but in other respects, many forms of parenting happen in our village every day, and without threat to the primary parent. The strong cultural valuation of the biological relationship is an understandable threat here, but this is not insurmountable, particularly for those of us who have already transgressed so many other barriers in an effort to bring these children into the world.”

That sentence jumped out and caused many DE mom’s to suck in their breath and say “Oh No She Didn’t! That’s MY kid she’s talking about!  The egg donor donated eggs – she’s isn’t supposed to feel that way – right!?

Well maybe.  Maybe not.

What we do know is that individuals have the ability to change their minds about how they feel during various times in their lives.  One such issue I have found myself reminding recipient parents about is having expectations about their egg donor. 

What does this mean? 

It means that known donation cycles are fantastic. They really are – however, both parties need to be realistic in these expectations.  I hear more often than not – “It’s all in the contract black and white our egg donor will agree to meet our kids when they turn 18, see it says so right here Marna.”  I typically nod my head and say “Yes, yes it does, you are right it’s in the contract” However, recipients aren’t hearing and don’t want to hear that is egg donors can change their minds about the conditions under which they donated eggs.

I am specifically speaking about egg donors who agree to open donation and then perhaps change their minds later.  Or an egg donor and a recipient couple agreeing to an anonymous donation and years later an egg donor wanting contact.

What would cause them to change their minds and decide they don’t want contact?   Oh goodness, lots of things – a change in faith, a marriage, and of course time.  18 years is a long time for a person to make an agreement to something – and maybe the egg donor has gone off and had her own children, and not told her husband she donated eggs.  She may have changed her faith, or just decided she really doesn’t want to have contact.  It happens.

So if the above can happen why can’t a donor change her mind and become curious about those kids she helped create.  I mean it could happen.  To be perfectly honest we don’t really know as the oldest kids via egg donation are now 30 something and there haven’t been a lot of studies done on donor egg kids.  However, studies have shown egg donors do sometimes wonder and get curious. Where does this leave you and me?  Same place we were before folks.   We are our children’s parents’ period.  We are their Mom’s and their Dad’s.  Egg donors don’t become egg donors so they can come take our kids.  That’s crazy and ridiculous.  Egg donors don’t become egg donors to become instant parents. Egg donors become egg donors for two reasons -- #1 to help another woman become a mother because she can’t on her own or #2 to make money.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with either of those reasons.  It is what it is.

I don’t feel the egg donor in the NY Times article was nuts or crazy.  I think after many years of her donation she began to have questions and thoughts about the two children she helped bring into the world. The article an Egg Donors Tale shows we can question reproductive decisions without regretting them.  I think that she had different ideas about information those kids should have.  I will even go as far as saying I think that maybe this egg donor has some boundary issues – let’s hope not, after all it’s up to those children’s parents to share with them their origins not an egg donor, even if it was an open donation. 

However, I think you are all safe, – Egg donors are not coming for your children – I mean really.

Pandora’s Box?

Reprinted with permission: By Gail Sexton Anderson, Ed.M.

Some fear that allowing intended parents and egg donors to have direct contact could be opening Pandora’s box.  My experience, of over 13 years, working with couples and egg donors is that knowledge soothes the fear of the unknown rather than creating problems. I have conducted many meetings between couples and egg donors and I can say they have been wonderful meetings were all parties walked away feeling better for having met.

When the donor gets the opportunity to meet the couple she is helping she has a stronger sense of commitment to the process. I’ve found that many donors would say to me after having met the couple that they were surprised how nice the intended parents are.  They had been expecting some wealthy and superficial individuals rather than a normal everyday caring couple longing to be parents. The donor often finds it more rewarding to when they get the opportunity to meet the couple.  Donors who done completely anonymous cycles as well as cycles were they have meet the intended parents wish they had been able to meet the all of their couples.

When intended parents meet their egg donor it acts to reinforce their choice and to take away many of the fears they may have.  I have found that most intended parents have the desire to feel like they know the egg donor.  It can be a very scary thing to put so much trust into an individual who will in essence be taking the mothers place in the gene pool. The meeting can help the couple to experience the egg donor as a multifaceted individual whom they can feel comfortable moving forward with in an IVF cycle.  I have found that intended parents also feel a strongly sense of closure when they have been able to meet their donor.

I’m not suggesting that all couples and donor should meet but I am suggesting that we are not complicating issues but actually simplifying issues by not creating such a taboo around meeting and future contact. The bottom line is that the more the parties know about each other more the comfortable they usually are.  Not knowing may cause the parties involved to make assumptions about each other that may not be founded in reality and may also cause anxiety in many cases.

I am finding that many intended parents are becoming more and more open to having some sort of contact with their egg donor and even more so wanting to have the option for future contact for the benefit of their future child.  Trying to keep these parties apart creates more fear than is really merited.  Most couples and egg donors have good boundaries and are not likely to become burdens to the each other.

Let’s also remember, at the bottom of Pandora’s box was hope.

Anonymous Egg Donation, Semi Known Egg Donation, Known Egg Donation

I have been reading with great interest about those of who are meeting their egg donors. And I applaud them for that because that’s the best choice for them and their family. After much thought and reflection my feelings about all of this are pretty simple – (and please realize this is just coming from the perspective of a mother who already has child via this process and who is clearly deeply established and rooted as a mother. I am not a therapist, psychologist, or a psychiatrist, nor do I pretend to ever be one – this is from a lay perspective.) Clearly when we embark upon egg donation as a way to create or grow our families, it’s not something we just decided upon on the spur of the moment. We as women have either known for a very long time that we will never have children without help, or a diagnosis was thrust upon us as we were trying to have a child – regardless of how we learned that egg donation was the path that we needed to take to become parents it took some time to sink and become a reality. The feelings that we feel are individual. I felt initially shame like I did something to cause it. Was it my lifestyle as a 20 something ( I partied a lot ), was it my secret vendetta against my ex-boyfriends mother who I hated, had I pissed God off, exposed myself to chemicals unknowingly, the list goes on and on. When I learned about egg donation I really thought it was something science fiction like out of star trek – I thought it was weird and wonderful and scary. However, along with all of this came grief.

The grief that each of us experiences is incredibly individual. Some women grieve long and hard, while others don’t seem to grieve much at all. Grief comes in spurts at the weirdest time for some, and sadly for others even after their children are born "it’s constantly in the forefront as a reminder of how their body failed them" (direct quote from a mom).

My point is that this process is individual for each and every family. There are lots of dynamics involved, lots of feelings involved, and lots of stuff involved. There’s no right way or wrong way to feel about any of it. If someone had said to me back in 1999 you will meet your egg donor first, have a meal with her, and you two will get to know one another -- I would have said “Oh Hell No”. I was scared, and insecure. I was angry. Angry my body didn’t work like it was supposed to, scared of the process, scared that I was spending 25k back then and it wouldn’t work, scared that I wouldn’t be a good mother, insecure that my husband would like the egg donor more than me (let’s face it her genetics were helping create a baby, and I didn’t understand back then how much my contribution would be), and I didn’t want the egg donors face to take up my head space. And so when my clinic said we do anonymous egg donation I didn’t question it. And any communication I had with my egg donor through my cycle was monitored by the clinic.

When you embark upon an egg donation cycle regardless of whether it’s anonymous donation, or semi anonymous donation, or known egg donation those choices have to be based on what is good for you and your family. I don’t want anyone to feel like they have harmed their children, or wrecked their children because they chose anonymous egg donation. We clearly know that’s not the case. Those women who have had children via egg donation 15-20 years ago who didn’t have a choice and had to go through an anonymous egg donation cycle have perfectly fine, healthy, well adjusted and amazing kids who are now perfectly fine, healthy, well adjusted adults who are amazing members of society. It all goes back to the parenting – not how your kid got here.

For some women like me we didn’t have a choice when we went through our egg donation cycle. We saw a baby picture that I had to beg for, I had to trust what I read on the egg donor profile and I picked my RE’s brain incessantly about what she was like as I trusted him and his choices for me. In the end I had this incredible little boy that was meant to come to me. Would I change things now if I had the opportunity? Yes, but really only selfishly for me. (I petitioned my clinic for contact and they denied me and I understand why) Anyhow, I would like to wrap my arms around her and hug the stuffing out of her and thank her from the bottom of my heart. Meeting her or not meeting her doesn’t change my mothering capabilities or how I interact with my son. I am my child’s mother through and through not our egg donor. Our egg donor will always have a very special place in my heart and who I have a boatload of gratitude for but her job ended the day of retrieval. She didn’t sign on to have a relationship with Nick or be an extended member of our family. And my kid knows his story. He’s not walking around pining for his egg donor, nor does he feel ripped off because he doesn’t know who she is.

Other families choose anonymous egg donation purposely and that’s okay they shouldn't be judged because it was the right thing for them to do for their family. And there are those who choose semi known egg donation, or known donation where you meet your egg donor – and that’s fantastic if that’s clearly what you are comfortable with and what’s good for you and your family.

Regardless of where you are in regards to anonymous, semi known or known egg donation you have to be with a clinic or an agency that honors your wishes. You can’t be going to a clinic or agency that doesn’t offer or support open egg donation if that’s really what you want. And at the end of the day after your child is born PVED states that there is no question of whether or not the children will be "yours". It is strongly encouraged to give your child(ren ) what all children deserve--knowledge of who they are and where they came from, from a genetic perspective. It’s their right to know their origins. As one of the many DE mom’s on our list who is also a damn fine therapist said – “Your conversations with your children will be informed by your openness and willingness to embrace your child's curiosity, as well as your availability to assist them in finding whatever information they may want if they want it.”