Women who give birth to donor egg babies are the biological moms

Freedom Pharmacy published this great booklet about egg donation -- here an excerpt:

“Perhaps the greatest myth surrounds pregnancy. Many believe the uterus is simply an incubator. Nothing could be further from the truth. The most important aspect of all pregnancies- including egg donation pregnancies- is that as the fetus grows, every cell in the developing body is built out of the pregnant mother’s body. Tissue from her uterine lining will contribute to the formation of the placenta, which will link her and her child. The fetus will use her body’s protein, then she will replace it. The fetus uses her sugars, calcium, nitrates, and fluids, and she will replace them. So, if you think of your dream child as your dream house, the genes provide merely a basic blueprint, the biological mother takes care of all the materials and construction, from the foundation right on up to the light fixtures. So, although her husband’s aunt Sara or the donor’s grandfather may have genetically programmed the shape of the new baby’s earlobe, the earlobe itself is the pregnant woman’s “flesh and blood.” That means the earlobe, along with the baby herself, grew from the recipient’s body. That is why she is the child’s biological mother. That is why this child is her biological child.”

Kimberly Powell also wrote:

"While not discounting that genetic tendencies may exist, supporters of the nurture theory believe they ultimately don't matter - that our behavioral aspects originate only from the environmental factors of our upbringing. Studies on infant and child temperament have revealed the most crucial evidence for nurture theories.

•American psychologist John Watson, best known for his controversial experiments with a young orphan named Albert, demonstrated that the acquisition of a phobia could be explained by classical conditioning. A strong proponent of environmental learning, he said: Give me a dozen healthy infants, well-formed, and my own specified world to bring them up in and I'll guarantee to take any one at random and train him to become any type of specialist I might select...regardless of his talents, penchants, tendencies, abilities, vocations and race of his ancestors.

•Harvard psychologist B. F. Skinner's early experiments produced pigeons that could dance, do figure eights, and play tennis. Today known as the father of behavioral science, he eventually went on to prove that human behavior could be conditioned in much the same way as animals.

•A study in New Scientist suggests that sense of humor is a learned trait, influenced by family and cultural environment, and not genetically determined.

•If environment didn't play a part in determining an individuals traits and behaviors, then identical twins should, theoretically, be exactly the same in all respects, even if reared apart. But a number of studies show that they are never exactly alike, even though they are remarkably similar in most respects.

So, was the way we behave ingrained in us before we were born? Or has it developed over time in response to our experiences? Researchers on all sides of the nature vs nurture debate agree that the link between a gene and a behavior is not the same as cause and effect. While a gene may increase the likelihood that you'll behave in a particular way, it does not make people do things. Which means that we still get to choose who we'll be when we grow up. "

: )

Genes must be ‘expressed’ within an individual in order to have an effect.

The same gene or genes can express in a number of different ways depending upon the environment. A gene can remain ’silent’ or unexpressed; it can be expressed strongly; it can be expressed weakly,and so on. There is also an entire field of study called imprinting having to do with which gene you ‘activate,’ the copy you received from your mother, or the copy you received from your father.

The field of epigenetics studies these phenomenon, and popular journalism is just starting to write about it. While the Human Genome Project was still underway, we usually heard genes referred to as ‘the Bible’ of the human being, as a kind of absolute truth concerning the fundamental nature of the individual.
That is now changing.

In a donor egg pregnancy, the pregnant woman’s womb is the environment.It is her genes, not the donor’s, that determine the expression of thedonor-egg baby’s genes.

A donor egg baby gets her genes from the donor; she gets the‘instructions’ on the expression of those genes from the woman who carries her to term.

This means that a donor egg baby has 3 biological parents: a father, the egg donor, and the woman who carries the pregnancy.

The child who is born would have been a physically & no doubt emotionally different person if carried by his genetic mother.

In horse breeding for example, it’s not uncommon to implant a pony embryo into the womb of a horse.
The foals that result, are different from normal ponies.They’re bigger. These animals’ genotype – their genes – are the same as a pony’s, but their phenotype – what their genes actually look like in the living animal – is different.

I'm The Mom, I'm The Mom, I'm The Mom!

In the realm of infertility we know what the definition of "infertility" is -- Infertility is defined as the state of being unable to produce offspring; in a woman it is an inability to conceive; in a man it is an inability to impregnate.

Even in the world of adoption the words and language are very clear -- the birth mother is the woman who gives birth to a baby that she places for adoption. An adoptive mother is the woman who adopts a child from a woman who gives birth to a baby she places for adoption.

So why is it in the realm of Donor Egg and Third Party Reproductions the words, language, definitions, and verbiage aren't always incredibly clear as they could or should be?

At first glance the words appear to be crystal clear -- the egg donor is the egg donor -- period. There's no mother attached, there's no parent attached. But, should there be?

The word "mother" is defined as :
moth·er 1 n.
1. A woman who conceives, gives birth to, or raises and nurtures a child.
2. A female parent of an animal.
3. A female ancestor.
4. A woman who holds a position of authority or responsibility similar to that of a mother: a den mother.
5. Roman Catholic Church
a. A mother superior.
b. Used as a form of address for such a woman.
6. A woman who creates, originates, or founds something: "the discovery of radium, which made Marie Curie mother to the Atomic Age" Alden Whitman.
7. A creative source; an origin: Philosophy is the mother of the sciences.
8. Used as a title for a woman respected for her wisdom and age.
9. Maternal love and tenderness: brought out the mother in her.
10. The biggest or most significant example of its kind: the mother of all battles.
11. Vulgar Slang Something considered extraordinary, as in disagreeableness, size, or intensity.
adj.
1. Relating to or being mother.
2. Characteristic of a mother: mother love.
3. Being the source or origin: the mother church.
4. Derived from or as if from one's mother; native: one's mother language.
tr.v. moth·ered, moth·er·ing, moth·ers
1. To give birth to; create and produce.
2. To watch over, nourish, and protect maternally.

Now we know that an egg donor who applies to be an egg donor is not applying to be an egg donor to parent a child or become a mother. An egg donor often agrees to become an egg donor to help another couple who can't have children with their own eggs, and to make money. (Let's face it 5-10k per cycle is nothing to sneeze at.)

An egg donor typically donates anonymously unless arrangements have been made otherwise to complete a known donation -- and even then most egg donors move on with their life just as recipient parents do. An egg donor will often finish her education, date, marry, and go on to have children of her own. We "mom's" raise those children we had through egg donation.

As I sit here thinking about my egg donor, I think about all of things I have said, or thought -- "It's only a cell" "Without me my son wouldn't have been born" "I'm his mother not her" "I am my son's parent not the egg donor" As I get older and have become more secure and firm in role as my son's mother I now find myself saying -- "Yes, it was an egg and a cell, but what an incredible egg and cell, half of what my son is, is a result of her, and really without her my son wouldn't be who he is today."

So what does this make my egg donor -- aside from a loving, giving, human being? Regardless of what I want to say my son is her offspring. We never really know what to say about those kids that egg donors help bring into the world. Why? Because there is no clear cut language. We don't want to refer to those kids from egg donors as "The Egg Donors Children" because that wouldn't be correct. Is the egg donor my son's parent? Well no, a parent is One who begets, gives birth to, or nurtures and raises a child; a father or mother. But then again a parent is also An organism that produces or generates offspring.

And here we are back to square one.

I know there are recipient parents that are going to be really angry at the very idea that I would write about something so controversial. That I would shake the very foundation that they base their beliefs upon.

But the reality is -- yes, those of us who had our children through egg donation are our children's parents. We are there mothers through and through. No one can take that from me, or you. We are the mom's the mothers, the mommies -- we are the caregivers, we are the nurturers, we provide the love, support, guidance, and we are our children's parents.

However, I simply can't dismiss my egg donor just as a one celled organism. I simply cannot. And neither can my son who is interested in his English and Norwegian heritage. He refers to his egg donor as one of his Ancestors and he's right. When he was very little he referred to as his angel lady, and then proceeded to refer to her as his fairy egg mother, which I found to be hysterical.

My son's not interested in his egg donor to replace me -- he will tell you clearly he has one mother, and that's me. But he does tell me that she's more to him than just an egg donor. That she has meaning and purpose. And if it hadn't been for her, he wouldn't be here.

And you know what? He's right.

Should Egg Donation Be Regulated?

And really what does it mean to regulate? Wikipedia says this about regulation:

“Regulation can be considered as legal restrictions promulgated by government authority. One can consider regulation as actions of conduct imposing sanctions (such as a fine). This action of administrative law, or implementing regulatory law, may be contrasted with statutory or case law.

Regulation mandated by a state attempts to produce outcomes which might not otherwise occur, produce or prevent outcomes in different places to what might otherwise occur, or produce or prevent outcomes in different timescales than would otherwise occur. Common examples of regulation include attempts to control market entries, prices, wages, pollution effects, employment for certain people in certain industries, standards of production for certain goods, the military forces and services. The economics of imposing or removing regulations relating to markets is analyzed in regulatory economics.”

As it stands right now today, in 2008, there is no regulation regarding egg donation. Zero, zip, nada, nothing. The egg-donor industry is not required to keep records of its egg donors.

What does that mean? And I am asking these questions because I truly don’t know.

Does this mean agencies don’t keep records of who applies, who’s accepted into their program, who’s donated, and to whom? I know clinics by law are required to keep records on their patients I think forever. They may go away to storage some place but I don’t think medical records can be destroyed.

(Someone correct me if I am wrong)

There is a doctor in Arizona, Dr. Jennifer Schneider who has gone to Congress to lobby for a National Egg Donor Registry, which I fully support. The concern about a National Egg Donor Registry is that it will potentially dissuade egg donors from donating because it would mean they would be giving personal information to a registry with the understanding they might be contacted down the way from parents or off spring their genetics helped create.

I say make the medical portion of it mandatory, identify egg-donors by number, and if the personal information part of that is a big hairy deal let’s make that part “voluntary” don’t make it mandatory. I think that’s the part that’s making everyone say “ooooh not sure if that’s a great idea, we’ll lose egg donors.” We’ll lose egg donors if we pass a law making compensation illegal. I am not so Pollyannaish to think that egg donors don’t appreciate the money they make donating their eggs. Even my egg donor, who was amazing, was very very honest when she said in her profile:

“I guess it was partially for financial reasons ($2000 can put a nice dent in my student loan debt), but also I want to help others...”

It doesn’t get any more honest than that, and that’s fine with me.

So back to regulation and registries – I don’t think that egg donors are going to run away in fear if they are given the option to volunteer with a national registry in the event the parents of these kids need to look up their egg donor for medical reasons later in life.

Clinics and agencies vary in regards to how much information they collect about the egg donors they recruit. I know of agencies and clinics who like mine collect a 16-18 page egg donor profile on prospective egg donors. This profile covers everything from A to Z. Medical history, social history, educational background, physical characteristics, personal characteristics, reproductive history and what not. There are other clinics and agencies who collect the basics, medical information, eye color, hair color, race, and that’s it. And for the majority of the recipient parents I engage with sometimes the lack of information about their egg donor is extremely frustrating.

I think what the media and general public sometimes don’t understand that those of us who are choosing to create our families through egg donation are not looking for mothers for our children. This registry wouldn’t mean that 18 years later an egg donor is going to receive a knock on her door from the off spring she helped create with a “Hi Mom, nice to meet you.” It would be a way for those kids who are products of egg donation to have access to their medical information, which I think is a basic right. And not to channel Dr. Phil -- but let's get real here. These kids did not sign up to be brought into the world this way, and its the least we can all do to make sure the needs of our children are met.

The other issue revolving around regulation is the compensation part. The American Society of Reproductive Medicine’s Ethics Committee (ASRM) has written a guide regarding egg donor compensation . In this guide it states:

1. Financial compensation of women donating oocytes for infertility therapy or for research is justified on ethical grounds.

2. Compensation should be structured to acknowledge the time, inconvenience, and discomfort associated with screening, ovarian stimulation, and oocyte retrieval. Compensation should not vary according to the planned use of the oocytes, the number or quality of oocytes retrieved the number or outcome of prior donation cycles, or the donor’s ethnic or other personal characteristics.

(I personally think because this is not a law, but a guideline that some agencies skirt around this – if I am reading this correctly compensation should be set at one price and one price only. An egg donor should not be compensated more if she’s a proven donor? An egg donor should not be compensated more if her ethnic background is hard to come by? For instance Asian donors, Jewish Donors, and Middle Eastern Donors, are in high demand – and the amount they are compensated reflects that. Same for those egg donors who are deemed “super stars”.) - Marna

3. Total payments to donors in excess of $5,000 require justification and sums above $10,000 are not appropriate.

(Okay here’s another hot spot for me – I can list several egg donor agencies right now who have signed an agreement with SART that they do and will abide by the ASRM Ethics Committee guidelines governing payments to donors. But guess what folks they don’t. They get around those guidelines by stating that the egg donors fee is only for 10k, however, the egg donor agency is also compensating her for lost wages from her job, or other expenses that go above and beyond regular and customary travel expenses). If an egg donation agency does not agree with or abide by ASRM's guidelines, then don't sign the agreement. I think that's where agencies get themselves into trouble. There is nothing wrong with stating you don't agree with something. The sticky wicket comes from saying you do agree, and then doing the complete opposite.)

4. To discourage inappropriate decisions to donate oocytes, programs should adopt effective information disclosure and counseling processes. Donors independently recruited by prospective oocyte recipients or agencies should undergo the same disclosure and counseling process as donors recruited by the program.

5. Oocyte-sharing programs should formulate and disclose clear policies on the eligibility criteria for participants and on how oocytes will be allocated, especially if a low number of oocytes or oocytes of varying quality are produced.

6. Treating physicians owe the same duties to oocyte donors as to any other patients. Programs should ensure equitable and fair provision of services to donors.

7. Programs should adopt and disclose policies regarding coverage of an oocyte donor’s medical costs should she experience complications from the procedure.

So the big question is – who should regulate the egg donor industry? Should the clinics and agencies regulate themselves, or should the government step in and regulate something they have no knowledge, understanding, or idea about.

Our answer might be in a new group I have had the pleasure of learning about and becoming involved with – this group is called EDSPA. EDSPA is a multidisciplinary organization that promotes cooperation, education and professional ethics in the matters of surrogacy, egg donation, pre-planned adoption and related areas. This group in particular shows great promise I think because they truly want what’s best for the patient. And they recognize the patient not only as the recipient/intended parents who is seeking services but also the egg donor who has so graciously given a very important part of herself so folks like me can become Moms. Regardless it will be interesting to see how EDSPA grows and blossoms in the years to come.

It’s my hope of course that regardless of what solution we in the United States find to resolve the issues we have now in the egg donor industry we are able as a group to come together and work out a fair and equitable solution that can accommodate not only the egg donor and recipient parents, but the medical community as well.

Really – What does the “C” in Customer Service Stand For?

“Curt”?
“Can’t be bothered”?
“Condescending”?
“Crappy”?
“Controlling”?
“Cantankerous”?
“Cold”?
“Callous?”

Get my drift here? See where I’m going with this?

Now I realize that this post is going to most likely anger some of you in the service industry. And so I am going to apologize ahead of time if I step on a few toes, but really this post has been a long time coming.

This article is not about most fertility clinics or egg donation agencies, it's about some. But the issue is that some of these agencies and fertility clinics who are not providing appropriate or even good customer service are making things tough for the entire industry. (Marna Gatlin, PVED)
From the moment I step into your clinic I am your patient, client, or customer. My money that I am paying for service at your clinic, agency, or firm is going to pay for your salaries, mortgage, car payment, vacation, your child’s braces, your alimony, child support, your child’s private school or college tuition, or other living expenses.

My responsibility to you is to be on time for my appointments, follow your advice, ask questions if I don’t understand the information given, make requests that are reasonable, be mindful and respectful of your time, be honest with you regarding questions you ask regarding my health , bring my insurance information each time I have an appointment if applicable, and pay my bill on time.

I have had to give up any control I have ever had regarding my body. It doesn’t work the way it’s supposed to. All I want to do is have a baby for God’s sakes. It shouldn’t be that hard. I turn to you, to the experts because you have come recommended to me, and I am assured you will take the very best care, and help me through this difficult time in my life.

But that’s not how it always plays out. For some patients, infertility treatment of any kind becomes a nightmare, and not because of the treatment itself, but because of their experience with their clinic or agency.

I am tired of being treated rudely but your staff because they are having a bad day. We all have bad days. I am also tired of being ignored, spoken to in a condescending tone, or treated like a child. I am not a child. I am an infertile woman for God’s sakes, who has way more education than some of you combined!

I realize that we define Customer Service as any contact, whether active or passive, between a customer and a company, that causes a negative or positive perception by a customer.

However, one would think that clinics and agencies especially would put their best foot forward when dealing with patients and clients. Don’t they know we are their bread and butter, and that word of mouth is one of the biggest advertising tool out there?

Some of the stuff I have heard over the past six months has been utterly amazing:

“I didn’t call you back because I felt there was nothing to worry about.”


“We are busy here Mrs. Smith, we can’t call everyone back who calls us you know.”

(Yeah, you know what? I am busy too, and I have waited a week for you to call me back about your clinic, so guess what, I’ll take my 25k to another clinic who actually returns my telephone calls.)

“We don’t do injection teaching here at this clinic, we figure everyone is pretty Internet savvy, and you can learn how to inject yourself on the Internet.”

(Can we say “potential lawsuit?”)

"The time my RE oh-so-sensitively told me, after informing me that my last IVF with my own eggs was again canceled due to poor response, "I think you are done with IVF."

(Oh really? How nice of you to make that decision for me, at a time when I'm clearly devastated. I switched RE's)

"When the report came back from the psychologist regarding the first donor we chose, there was mention of her needing to return to college on a particular date. I questioned whether or not we had sufficient time to go through this process and our egg donation agency insisted we did. When we signed up, we were told that a clinic rep accompanied every donor to the first doctor’s visit. The first donor we chose (in the first week, I might add) went to the first doctor’s appointment at the Infertility Clinic alone and was supposedly never heard from again. According to my doctor, she had no clue about how the process works and told him that she needed to return to college on a certain date. She was shocked to find out that he would be dictating the schedule and not her. The clinic offered no apology and we were told “this never happens”. Well obviously it did!?!? And obviously the psychologist and I saw it coming?!? They wanted to charge us for a rematch. My lawyer got involved and they ended up not charging us."


"On my second failed procedure with my first RE, she called to tell me the bad news. I asked her a few questions and during the discussion she told me that "you were lucky to have had your son" in a condescending tone. It literally took my breath away and my heart felt as though it fell to the floor. We had no trouble conceiving my son and didn't get any fertility help until having three consecutive miscarriages after having him, so it's not as though we perceived having him as medically lucky. Although their may be some technical truth to what she said, I see no value in telling it to me. I believe it was mean spirited and we switched RE's. By the way, this particular RE had horrible SART statistics. If only I knew then what I know now, I would have seen a much better RE initially."


"They began sending us profiles that did not meet our single-most important criteria which was blue eyes. We were not asking for a lot of criteria, just similar coloring to me and most importantly blue eyes. After a dozen or so profiles of brown and hazel eyed candidates (who, by the way, had no other resemblance to me either) I called the clinic and the representative actually asked me “Isn’t hazel good enough?” Meanwhile, she interrupted our conversation to take a phone call from her daughter. When she returned, I asked if she can see the resemblance to herself when she looks in her daughter’s eyes. After she told me she could, I explained that the possibility (just the possibility) that I might have a chance to have a blue eyed child was one way that I too might be able to have that same feeling when I look into my child’s eyes.

She promptly sent me blue-eyed candidates."

(I should hope to shout she sent this mom blue-eyed candidates, if she wanted hazel eyes she would have requested an egg donor with hazel eyes. Isn't hazel good enough - oh please, this is not like this mom is ordering a damn car, her feelings matter for goodness sakes.)

"With my first RE ( I switched REs later), pursuing conventional IVF with my own eggs, on my second protocol, I went in for monitoring and did not have much follicular recruitment. The US tech asked if I wished to speak with the RE. I did. She put me in a little waiting room, and I waited for over TWO hours with no one ever coming in to check on me. When the RE finally appeared, it wasn't what he said, it was all his body language. He was clearly irritated that I wished to speak with him, and he clearly didn't find it within his job to take time to speak with me. This same RE later spoke with DH on the phone about the dismal results and told us the clinic would be terminating our shared risk agreement due to "something unforeseen wrong with my eggs that no longer made me a good candidate" and when asked what else we could do, told us "adoption". This was in a large clinic where they have a DE program. ????????. Granted, it wasn't me who spoke with him on the telephone, so I am not sure EXACTLY what was said, but there is no love lost with this MD, who is a sixty something year old, and the clinical director of the large practice. So at that point, I am devastated, and wondering if I am in danger of dying from "something unforeseen wrong with my eggs"...at age 33... you know, a little touch of compassion for the folks who shell out the big bucks so you can earn a living might be nice...gee, I am getting angry just reliving this..."


"The second donor we chose never showed up for the first doctor’s appointment at the Infertility Clinic and was supposedly never heard from again (now, I’m suspicious, considering this “never happens”). According to our egg donation agency, a representative was meeting her at the clinic, although I never thought to contact my doctor to confirm (no surprise that I had my suspicions about this too) The clinic offered no apology or explanation. We then decided to explore other clinics/options and they charged us $900 to leave the clinic for “services rendered”. What service?!?

All’s well that ends well as I am now almost 31 weeks along however we (the DE recipient community) shouldn’t be subjected to these shenanigans to begin with. Our egg donation agency  set us back a year time-wise in this process. Plus, we ended up losing about $3,000 as a result due to the $900 charge to leave the clinic and additional money set aside in my flexible spending account that went unclaimed. Let’s not even mention the emotional and psychological affect it had on myself, my husband and our marriage while we recovered from the financial setback and reeled from the thoughts that this might never happen for us."

(This Mom had a great outcome, but how many others don't have great outcomes and no one to advocate for them?)

“Well we kind of promised this donor already to another couple, but we also promised her to you because we wanted to make sure she would cycle this spring.”
(You kind of promised this donor I already put money down on ??? Because the egg donor wanted to make sure she would have a for sure cycle in the spring at my expense?)

“Bleeding is normal, don’t sweat it.”
(Excuse me, bleeding is not normal, it’s COMMON but it’s not normal.)

And then there are the sighs, groans, teeth grating, and the tone of voice that occurs when you seem to ask a question that whoever is on the other end of the phone doesn’t want to deal with. All of the sudden we become big fat inconveniences and burdens, and that doesn’t make anyone feel great, I don’t’ care who you are.

And some clinics and agencies don’t bother returning calls or emails for days and days.
I have even had women ask me – “You don’t think the clinic would intentionally screw up my cycle because they don’t like me, think I am a pain in the neck, or a problem patient.”

Now that is just darn sad.

And your front office staff, your front line, who’s supposed to our first contact with your clinic or agency. News flash folks – If I can hear your receptionist refer to a patient on the phone as a pain in the ass or a bitch – then what in the hell are they saying about me the moment I hand you my check for the 500 bucks I once again spent at your clinic as I walk out the door?

With that being said, we KNOW and REALIZE we are not your only client or patient. We know you have other people to interact with other than us during your day. But our concerns, questions, and issues are valid. You can be rest assured if your clinic or agency called we’d be hopping to and returning a call in a 24 hour period.

From where I stand it’s all about an imbalance of power. The clinics and agencies have it, we don’t. They hold our reproductive lives in the palms of their hands. Is that the way it should be? I don’t think so. I think there needs to be a balance.

You are our service provider, we pay you for that service. One would think that in return for appropriate medical care we’d receive decent customer service.

One would think.