The Differences and Similarities Between Adoption And Egg Donation

I had the opportunity to be a part of a panel on a radio show hosted by Dawn Davenport who is the Executive Director of Creating A Family which is a nonprofit organization that provides education, resources, and support for those touched by infertility or adoption.

On the panel with me was a gentleman by the name of Adam Pertman, Executive Director, with the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute.

To be honest I wasn't really sure how this was going to pan out. I have heard through the grapevine how similar yet different adoption and egg donation were, but still wasn't clear on terminology or philosophies.

As we began our radio show I was nervous. Here I was with this Executive Director from the Adoption Institute who works diligently to provide leadership that improves adoption laws, policies and practices - through sound research, education and advocacy - in order to better the lives of everyone touched by adoption. These folks are serious about their mission.

They work tirelessly:

•Offering lawmakers reliable information and practical perspectives to improve adoption laws;
•Providing the media with a trusted source of information;
•Encouraging employer support for adoption;
•Reducing barriers that impede adoption of children who need permanent families;
•Researching policies and practices that affect adoption;
•Educating policymakers and the public about the importance of giving adopted people access to information about their origins;
•Developing a legal framework to ensure access to genetic information and a clear delineation of parental responsibility for children born through reproductive technology;
•Promoting ethical standards for adoption professionals

And as I listened to Adam speak I found myself sitting up in my chair a bit straighter and nodding my head. He was saying the very same things many of us find ourselves saying as we go through our own personal DE journey. Both from an adoptive perspective and a recipient mother perspective we both share the same kinds of insecurities.

Will my child love me? Will I make a good parent? Why didn't my body work the way it was supposed to? How long will I grieve regarding the ability to have a genetic child? When my child hears his or her story about their origins will they become resentful. Will my child like his birth mother or egg donor more than me? When should we tell our child about their origins? Early? Late, or not at all?

What I am learning more and more is that those of us having our children via egg donation should really look at, embrace, and follow the adoptive parents module. As it stands DE is where adoption was regarding attitudes and secrecy 30 years ago. And to me that's very sad because there is nothing to be ashamed about regarding having a child via egg donation, it's a beautiful thing and just a different way to create or grow your family.

What separates the two of course is the pregnancy part. In my radio broadcast I touched upon Epigenics, and how pregnancy for recipient mothers is an integral and very important part of the process, and while at the end of the day the goal is to become a parent and raise a child I stated emphatically that it's very important that we recognize and validate this rite of passage for many women.

What we do need to establish is clear and consistent language, definitions and verbiage for this specific kind of reproductive technology. The adoption folks have their language, and it's clear, and concise. DE doesn't have that as of yet. We might think we do, but really we don't. We are still wrestling with what to deem the egg donor and a sperm donor. We know for instance in adoption that the woman who carries the baby and the man who has intercourse with a woman and a child results is a birth father. So what should we refer our egg donors and sperm donors as? Genetic parents? That in itself might seem very simple but how do we know egg donors or sperm donors want to be thought of as parents at all?

Food for thought - yes?

I'm The Mom, I'm The Mom, I'm The Mom!

In the realm of infertility we know what the definition of "infertility" is -- Infertility is defined as the state of being unable to produce offspring; in a woman it is an inability to conceive; in a man it is an inability to impregnate.

Even in the world of adoption the words and language are very clear -- the birth mother is the woman who gives birth to a baby that she places for adoption. An adoptive mother is the woman who adopts a child from a woman who gives birth to a baby she places for adoption.

So why is it in the realm of Donor Egg and Third Party Reproductions the words, language, definitions, and verbiage aren't always incredibly clear as they could or should be?

At first glance the words appear to be crystal clear -- the egg donor is the egg donor -- period. There's no mother attached, there's no parent attached. But, should there be?

The word "mother" is defined as :
moth·er 1 n.
1. A woman who conceives, gives birth to, or raises and nurtures a child.
2. A female parent of an animal.
3. A female ancestor.
4. A woman who holds a position of authority or responsibility similar to that of a mother: a den mother.
5. Roman Catholic Church
a. A mother superior.
b. Used as a form of address for such a woman.
6. A woman who creates, originates, or founds something: "the discovery of radium, which made Marie Curie mother to the Atomic Age" Alden Whitman.
7. A creative source; an origin: Philosophy is the mother of the sciences.
8. Used as a title for a woman respected for her wisdom and age.
9. Maternal love and tenderness: brought out the mother in her.
10. The biggest or most significant example of its kind: the mother of all battles.
11. Vulgar Slang Something considered extraordinary, as in disagreeableness, size, or intensity.
adj.
1. Relating to or being mother.
2. Characteristic of a mother: mother love.
3. Being the source or origin: the mother church.
4. Derived from or as if from one's mother; native: one's mother language.
tr.v. moth·ered, moth·er·ing, moth·ers
1. To give birth to; create and produce.
2. To watch over, nourish, and protect maternally.

Now we know that an egg donor who applies to be an egg donor is not applying to be an egg donor to parent a child or become a mother. An egg donor often agrees to become an egg donor to help another couple who can't have children with their own eggs, and to make money. (Let's face it 5-10k per cycle is nothing to sneeze at.)

An egg donor typically donates anonymously unless arrangements have been made otherwise to complete a known donation -- and even then most egg donors move on with their life just as recipient parents do. An egg donor will often finish her education, date, marry, and go on to have children of her own. We "mom's" raise those children we had through egg donation.

As I sit here thinking about my egg donor, I think about all of things I have said, or thought -- "It's only a cell" "Without me my son wouldn't have been born" "I'm his mother not her" "I am my son's parent not the egg donor" As I get older and have become more secure and firm in role as my son's mother I now find myself saying -- "Yes, it was an egg and a cell, but what an incredible egg and cell, half of what my son is, is a result of her, and really without her my son wouldn't be who he is today."

So what does this make my egg donor -- aside from a loving, giving, human being? Regardless of what I want to say my son is her offspring. We never really know what to say about those kids that egg donors help bring into the world. Why? Because there is no clear cut language. We don't want to refer to those kids from egg donors as "The Egg Donors Children" because that wouldn't be correct. Is the egg donor my son's parent? Well no, a parent is One who begets, gives birth to, or nurtures and raises a child; a father or mother. But then again a parent is also An organism that produces or generates offspring.

And here we are back to square one.

I know there are recipient parents that are going to be really angry at the very idea that I would write about something so controversial. That I would shake the very foundation that they base their beliefs upon.

But the reality is -- yes, those of us who had our children through egg donation are our children's parents. We are there mothers through and through. No one can take that from me, or you. We are the mom's the mothers, the mommies -- we are the caregivers, we are the nurturers, we provide the love, support, guidance, and we are our children's parents.

However, I simply can't dismiss my egg donor just as a one celled organism. I simply cannot. And neither can my son who is interested in his English and Norwegian heritage. He refers to his egg donor as one of his Ancestors and he's right. When he was very little he referred to as his angel lady, and then proceeded to refer to her as his fairy egg mother, which I found to be hysterical.

My son's not interested in his egg donor to replace me -- he will tell you clearly he has one mother, and that's me. But he does tell me that she's more to him than just an egg donor. That she has meaning and purpose. And if it hadn't been for her, he wouldn't be here.

And you know what? He's right.